When I was 19 I found myself in a very rough situation. I was pregnant. The father, my boyfriend at the time wanted absolutely nothing to do with children. He hated the idea of children, he would yell at me saying "anyone who wants kids is an asshole". He also hated tattoos, and I being mildly covered in them was "sick" and "unhealthy" looking to him. Don't ask me how I got into this mess, maybe it was just because he was once beautiful to me. Maybe it was because I needed to have my ass kicked before I did something with myself. Either way it doesn't matter, I was in it. You might be wondering why I am telling you this, but in order for you to understand the significance of my Sigur Ros Tattoo, you have to know it's origin.
At A Glance Author anonymous Contact anonymous@bme.anon IAM pixie_hellfire When Two years ago So I was 19 and pregnant with an unwanted child. Not fully unwanted I should admit, for how could you not want something that grows inside your body, which is made from you, that is fully protected by you, by your body. The decision had been made quite quickly that this baby was not to be born. Looking back on it fear was what made the decision, fear of not being a good mother, fear of not having a loving father, fear of not being able to do it. Now before you yell at me, and tell me to use birth control next time, I was using it. These things sometimes happen. I was wrecked inside. I felt spoiled somehow, like how rotting fruit would feel. Nightmares every night, sickness during the day. It was not a fun time.
Then the day arrived. My appointment was in the morning so I would have the rest of the day to recover. I was so nervous and sick feeling, but yet able to pull it off. Pull off the answering of the questions before hand. Pull off being half naked in a waiting area. Pull off "being brave" during the procedure. The procedure. It is not as easy as it sounds. They give you an injection making you feel like you've had about 3 glasses of wine. I was laying there with my legs in the stirrups, completely exposed to the nurses and doctor. The doctor started off by stretching my cervix, while the nurses distracted me with fake conversations about my job, my hobbies, and my tattoos. The first couple of minutes are okay physically, it's the last couple of stretches that really start to hurt. Think about how tough a cervix is, and what its main purpose is, now think about trying to open that while it's serving its main purpose. It's painful. The stretching took about 10-15 minutes. Then the doctor took a vacuum-like tube and cleaned out my uterus. He scraped it with what looked like a small wire, and then he continued with the suction. All the time I was thinking "goodbye" and trying not to cry. Then it was done. They had to keep me on the IV because I was almost 3 months and there is more risk involved. Finally I was almost out of there, I was lying in recovery listening to the girl beside me ball her eyes out, and I realized I could not cry if I wanted to. All of a sudden I had to run to bathroom and throw up. I barely made it; I didn't have time to close the door. The nurse just looked at me and said "it feels better doesn't it?" Feels better?
I walked home with the man who just four days earlier had broken off our relationship. He stayed for an hour then I spent almost the entire day alone. This time really alone because there was nothing growing inside me anymore. For the next month the only thing I wanted to do was stay at home and listen to my roommate's pretty Icelandic music. So I did. Finally I started to come around, I started to smile again, and I started to really breathe again. I decided I had to live and have a great life in order for this to not be in vain. I also decided I needed to remember this... really remember it.
A year later I was shopping in an HMV when I came across the same Icelandic band I had been listening to the month after the abortion. Sigur Ros. It sounds ridiculous to say it, but I had not noticed the album cover during that month, we never kept our cds in cases, they were always just stacked. On the cover of this album was an angel foetus. I have to admit I have never been one for band tattoos, but this was too weird. I almost cried in the store which is kind of ridiculous I know, but sometimes emotions are that overwhelming. I decided that this was going to be the tattoo to remember my experience by. This was going to be the tattoo which allowed me to reclaim my body and move on, because that is what I needed to do. I needed to feel like this body was mine again.
After months of carrying the picture with me, I finally got the nerve to get it done. I had at this point 17 tattoos already but this one was different, it wasn't just close to my heart, it was apart of it. The tattoo artist referred to it as creepy, but he didn't know the story. Some friends of mine thought it was bad idea saying "why would you want to remember that?" but why would I want to forget it? The tattoo took about an hour and a half and was painless, or maybe I refused to feel any pain. It felt good; it felt right getting it done. It is placed on the inside of my right arm; the umbilical cord comes out from my veins. It is the most beautiful tattoo I have. I didn't want to have it in a hidden spot; I wanted it where I could see it at anytime during the day. For when I start feeling like everything is for nothing, I just have to look at my arm and remember that I sacrificed something in order to be where I am. It reminds me that I have strength in me that no one ca n destroy or take away. It reminds me to live.
The only problem I have had with this tattoo is the question, "What's the story?" and "Why an angel foetus?". As you can probably well imagine, depending on who it's coming from, this can be a very awkward question. I also work in an environment where my uniform is a short sleeved shirt, so it's always exposed. I just tell those who do not need to know the "why" that it is from a Sigur Ros album cover, and if they ever heard the music they would understand. I can tell in their faces that most do not believe that is the whole story, but they don't usually push the question after you have answered them.